If I Say Goodbye
by willifertho
Summary: After JJ is shot, Will goes into a state in which he is overwhelmed with guilt. As he waits to learn her fate, he flashes back to all the time they spent together. And as her chances of survival grow bleak, he is forced to ask the most painful question of all. How do I say goodbye. (Lots of Willifer. Heavy angst.)
1. Chapter 1

I** originally posted this story on my instagram account { willifertho} which is why this first chapter is so short. I promise you everything after it will be longer. Thanks for reading and enjoy.**

_If you gave someone your heart_

_ and they died, _

_did they take it with them?_

_ Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you_

_ that couldn't be filled?_

_~Jodi Picoult_

Will kept replaying the scene in his head, like Henry would when he saw a scene in a movie that made him laugh. Except, Will wasn't laughing. Everytime he thought about it he wanted to yell at himself to pay attention, to be quicker...to save her.

**Flashback**

_Him, JJ, and Rossi had been running through the wooded are of the park. They were chasing an unsub who had been on a killing spree in DC for the past three weeks, and had already killed five people. They had finally caught the bastard dumping another body in the park, and just like the profile said, he ran._

_"FBI," JJ shouted running ahead of him and Rossi. "Stop running and drop your weapon." The man stopped suddenly, realizing he was outnumbered._

_He should have known it was to easy. This was a man who had killed six people, counting the body he had just disposed of. He had never been caught dumping a body, and he had just happened to chose the park they were checking. He was so relieved that he couldn't think straight. _

_The man just stood there. "Put your hands up!" JJ said, keeping her gun aimed at his head. The man slowly raised his hands up, clutching a knife in his left hand. _

_"Now drop the weapon and turn around!" Rossi_ _demanded. Without hesitation, the man let his knife fall to the ground and then turned around. He had a scar that when from his ear to his chin, which once again, fit the profile. Hotch had said that the unsub had something that caused people to cringe when they looked at him. The reason for his rampage. _

_The scar wasn't what he was focused on. It was the fact that he was smiling. He was about to be put away for life, and he was smiling. It was like he thought that this was a game and he was some how the winner. _

_"We knew you'd be here," the man mumbled. _

_"What?" Will asked him, trying to hid his confusion. _

_"You thought you were so smart, but we knew. Yes, we knew," the man said laughing. _

_Rossi started looking around, the word "we" obviously shaking him as well. _

_"You tell me what your talking about now or I won't hesitate to put a bullet between your eyes," JJ told him, her voice still steady despite what he said._

_"I can't really take the credit. I'm not the smart one. That's okay though, because he always let me do the fun part," the man said with a smirk on his face. _

_"I'm not going to ask you again," JJ said. Will watched her nervously dart her eyes to the left and then the right, looking for the other half of "we"._

_"You aren't any better though. If you were really as smart as he told me you were, you would've realized he was right above you this whole time," the man chuckled. _

_JJ and Wi spin around, while Rossi tackles the man they had already caught to the ground so he can't try and escape. _

_They look up into one of the trees, to see a larger man sitting towards the top with a 12 gauge aimed at them._

_"Drop your wea-"JJ didn't even have time to finish her sentence. None of them saw it coming, not JJ, Rossi or Will. Not until he had pulled the trigger. _

_"Jay!"Will shouted as the bullet went flying from the gun. She wasn't wearing a vest, none of them were. They weren't expecting to find the unsub here, just maybe some witnesses. He tried to get to her, she was so close. Before he could reach her the bullet hit her in the stomach, making her fall backwards, hitting her head on a rock as she hits the ground._

_"No...no...no,"Will says as he falls to the ground beside her. Will looks up towards the tree where the man who shot her is still sitting. He is looking at JJ with his head tilted, like he is trying to decide whether or not he approves of his work. He shakes his head and then starts to raise his gun, but this time Will is faster, and shoots the man in the chest, causing him to fall out of the tree. Will keeps his gun raised, the man isn't moving, which Will hopes means that he is dead, because to check he would have to leave JJ. And that is the last thing he wanted to do. _

_"Jay,"Will says his voice full of concern. "Hey c'mon jay say something."_

_"Will,"she says groggily and tries to move which only makes her cry out in pain. _

_"No cher, don't move. Just stay put its going to be okay,"Will said, managing a small smile. He took her hand in his, and squeezed tightly as she drifted out of consciousness._

**Present Time**

Will couldn't think about it anymore. He hadn't been able to get past that point ever since it happened. Will closed his eyes and tilted his head back. All he could think about is that if he had gotten to her sooner, she would be okay. She wouldn't need surgery, or multiple stitches in her head, and he wouldn't have to explain to their son where his mommy was.

If it wasn't for him, JJ would be at home watching Peter Pan with Henry like she had promised him. He could only imagine how upset Henry would be. He knew Garcia was on her way to get Henry and take him back to her place for a few hours before bringing him to the hospital. Hopefully a visit from his Aunt Penelope would cheer him up. Will didn't know if he could handle an upset Henry at this point.

"Will," Reid says walking into the waiting room. He was the first member of her team to arrive, the others had to go back to the station to interrogate the unsub that was still alive because they believed they had abducted another girl before they got caught. Will guessed that Reid would be first, he's like her brother, her best friend.

"Reid,"Will says standing up. "Did you find the girl?"

"They're close, he isn't that smart they're about to get a confession out of him,"Reid says. "How is she?"

"They won't tell me anything," He replies.

"It wasn't serious, though?" Reid asks. Will realizes at that point how little they had told Spencer, and why they let him leave and not anyone else. So they could discuss it without him.

"She's a fighter..."Will replies. "I'm sure-I'm sure she'll be fine."

When he says it he isn't sure who he's trying to convince. Reid or himself.


	2. Chapter 2

_You make yourself strong because it's expected of you. _

_You become confident because someone beside you is unsure. _

_You turn into the person others need you to be_

_~ Jodi Picoult_

Will had only been this scared two other times in his life.

The last time was when he had a bomb strapped to his chest. He wasn't afraid of dying, he had made his peace with that the moment he stepped into that hostage situation. The thing he was afraid of was what would happen to Henry. His son was home all alone with Izzy and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

The first time, was when he found out that JJ was pregnant.

**Flashback**

_"I'm pregnant," JJ said so quickly that it took Will a second to process it. _

_Pregnant. Meaning she was expecting a child. His child. He was going to be a father. For the next few seconds both of them were silent. Will busy trying to comprehend the news JJ was delivering over the phone, and JJ waiting for him to respond. _

_"Feel free to respond anytime now," JJ laughed nervously. _

_"A-Are you sure?" Will stuttered. He was hoping she would say no, he couldn't be a father he wasn't ready to be a father, he didn't know how to change a diaper, or how you're supposed to prepare a baby's bottle, he didn't even know how to hold a baby. _

_"I'm sure," JJ told him and he could hear the fear in her voice to. "I'm almost three weeks late, and I have a pregnancy test that says I'm positive."_

_"Wow," Was all Will could say. He rubbed the back of his neck with his one of his hands, and clutched the phone so tightly that his knuckles turned white with the other. Will had always wanted kids, in fact it was something he looked forward to. This just wasn't how it was supposed to happen. He always thought he'd be married, and living with his wife in some nice three bedroom house, in the nicer part of New Orleans._

_"Yeah...wow," JJ said, and then suddenly she broke down in tears, "I don't know what to do. With my job. And your job. And then there's the fa_ct that you live 1,000 miles away. Neither of us is fit to be a parent. We aren't even-"

_"JJ will you marry me?" Will asked abruptly, cutting off JJ. _

_"What?" JJ asked confused. _

_"I said will you marry me," Will repeated. "I mean I don't have a ring or anything, but I can get one. And if you want I can get down on one knee right now." _

_JJ laughed between her sobs. "I appreciate you trying to make me feel better Will, but I know you don't mean that. If I wasn't pregnant you wouldn't_ _be asking."_

_"I am being serious, cher. I love you," Will said softly._

_JJ sniffled, and it made Will wish he was there with her in Quantico. He wanted to tell her that it was alright and that he was still here, and that he would always be there, now more than ever. _

_"I know," JJ replied. Her response would have hurt any other person. But Will knew she just had a hard time saying 'I love you' back. She put up walls, and even though he might not know why, he trusted her enough to know that there was a reason. The fact that she had said it to him before, even if it was only a few times, was enough for him. _

"_So what do you say," Will asked her._

_"Can you take some personal time? I really need you here right now," She asked instead of answering his question. He had been with JJ long enough to know that this meant she needed time to think. _

_"Yeah, yeah of course," He assured her. "I'll just talk to my boss and see if I can get up there in a couple days."_

_"Thanks," JJ said no longer crying. "I should go. I have a lot of paper work to do." _

_Will smiled, "Good night Jay."_

_"Good night," She said, "Oh and Will..."_

_"Yeah?" Will asked. _

_She whispered the last words quietly, like it was a secret she didn't want anyone to hear. He barely heard it himself. _

_"I love you too." _

**Present Day**

Henry was the best thing that ever happened to Will, other than meeting JJ. He was this little ball of energy, that ran around the house playing super hero. He was nice to everyone, even strangers, which Will feared would get him into trouble someday. He was so innocent, so happy.

But as much as he loved Henry, JJ loved him 100 times more. Every time she would get home from a case, he would come running to the front door, greeting her with his most recent discovery, usually a new Disney movie. He would always ask if they caught the bad guy, and JJ would always tell him yes, even if they didn't. On her worst days Henry always managed to make her smile. With a job like hers Henry was just what she needed to keep her sane, their son helped her in a way that Will couldn't, no matter how much he loved her, and how much JJ loved him.

Now Will had to find a way to explain to Henry what was happening. Why his auntie Garcia came to stay with him. Why his mommy didn't come home. Why daddy looked so sad.

The rest of JJ's team had arrived. After a lot of persuasion from an angry and frustrated Hotch, the unsub confessed and led them to where he was keeping the girl. Will was happy of course, it was nice to see that something good came out of all this.

Dave and Derek were both staring blankly at their half empty cups of hospital coffee, neither of them saying a word. Spencer and Blake were talking in hushed whispers on the other side of the waiting room. Alex had graciously offered to explain everything to Spencer, and was now consoling a distraught Reid.

Out of the whole team, Hotch appeared to be the most shaken up. He had been the last person Will expected. However, he, like Will, had plenty of reason to blame himself for what happened. He was the one who sent JJ into the field without a vest. There was no way any of them could have known what would happen, but he obviously still blamed himself. He held his face in his hands, and occasionally looked up, but he just stared at the wall.

"Daddy!" Henry shouted as he ran through the hospital doors and into the waiting room. He was followed by Garcia, who was obviously struggling to keep up with him in her three inch heels.

"Hey buddy," Will said picking up his son and holding him in one arm.

"I'm sorry," Garcia said. "I should have called I just thought it would be done by now."

"Don't worry, it's fine," Will promised. Honestly, Will really needed Henry right now. Seeing him smile did just as much for him as it did for JJ.

"Daddy we watched Jungle Book," Henry said excitedly.

"You did," Will exclaimed. "What about Peter Pan?"

Henry smiled and leaned forward to whisper in Will's ear so no one could here. "That's me and mommy's movie."

"Oh okay," Will said and put his finger to his mouth, promising he wouldn't tell.

"Daddy why are we in a doctor's office," Henry asked looking up at his father with his his big round brown eyes.

Will struggled to come up with an answer. If he told Henry the truth, he would panic. But he couldn't lie to him because that would only cause more problems.

"Do you remember," Will said putting his son down in a chair and crouching in front of him. "When you were sick and daddy had to take you to the hospital.

Henry nodded quickly, "You was a superhero. You helped me." Will just smiled and nodded. He was many things but he was definitely not a hero. If he was a hero he would have saved JJ.

"Well," Will explained, "Mommy caught a sickness from the bad guy, and she is really sick right now. But she's going to be okay. She has a bunch of really nice doctors helping her."

"Do I get to see her soon," Henry asked his father, looking down at his hands. He didn't look sad, just a little confused. Like he needed to talk to his mommy.

"I don't know bud," Will replied. "I hope so."

"Did you and mommy catch the bad guy," Henry questioned with that little spark in his eyes. He got it whenever he though about his parents being "super heros."

"Yeah, yeah we did," Will told him.

Henry just smiled and clapped his hands. Will leaned forward and tightly hugged his son, and kissed his head, which made Henry squirm. He let go of Henry and looked back up at Hotch who was staring at the wall again and then looked down at Henry.

"You know who would love to hear about Jungle Book," Will said quietly. "Mr. Hotchner." His son smiled and nodded and ran over to Aaron and began talking excitedly about the movie. After a few seconds, Hotch smiled and laughed at Henry as he pretended to be the python.

You see that's thing, Will knew JJ. He knew everything about her. He even knew why she put up those walls, because she didn't want anyone to worry about her, especially her team. So Will knew that if she had been there, she would've wanted everyone to be happy, even if that meant getting _Hotch_ to smile.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all for the favs, follows, and reviews, it means so much to know people enjoy it. Angst is my favorite thing to write because of all the emotion, and this chapter is full of angst. This is mainly a flashback chapter BUT BIG STUFF GETS REVEALED AT THE END. So enjoy :)**

_As it turned out, hell wasn't watching the people you love get hurt;_

_ it was coming in during the second act, _

_when it was already too late _

_to stop it from happening._

_~ Jodi Picoult_

Flashback

_When JJ returned home after her ordeal with Askari and Hastings, there was just a brief flicker of relief, that both JJ and Will mistook as happiness. It was enough to get JJ through a night at a bar with her team, and enough to keep Will from worrying for one night. _

_JJ stayed home for two weeks after that, and they were easily the worst 14 days of her life. Will stayed home each of those days, they gave him those two weeks off, but he would've stayed even if they hadn't. There was no way in hell he was going to let JJ stay home alone._

_The first morning when Will woke up it was only 6:30am, and JJ was gone. For a second he panicked, where could she have gone? But then he heard the running water from the sink in their bathroom and he pushed his worries aside, and got out of bed so he could get Henry ready for preschool. _

_He quickly woke Henry up and picked out his clothes before leaving him to get changed. Then he made his way down to the kitchen and fixed his son a bowl of cheerios, and set it on the table just as Henry came barreling down the stairs and into the kitchen._

_"Whoa where's the fire buddy," Will asked, bending down to fix the buttons on his son's shirt. _

_Henry laughed, "Daddy there is no fire! I'm just really really happy because today our class is going to the museum," He struggled to pronounce the word "museum" correctly so it ended up coming out like "musem". "We're going to look at dinosaur bones."_

_Henry sat down at the table and started shoving handfuls of cheerios into his mouth. He always refused to eat his cereal with milk because he hated it soggy._

_"Daddy, when mommy going back to work?" Henry asked through a mouth full of cheerios. _

_"I don't know kid, a few weeks maybe," Will told him scratching his head._

_Henry's eyes got wide and he started bouncing in his chair excitedly. Usually after his mom was gone for a case, Henry would only get to see her for a couple days before she moved onto the next one. Will took Henry's now empty bowl and rinsed it out before putting it in the dishwasher. _

_"Okay we've got 5 minutes before Hally and come to pick you up to take you to preschool, so go say bye to your mama" Will told him. The Wilkonsons were their neighbors, and their youngest daughter Hally was the same age as Henry, and they both went to the same preschool. Mrs. Wilkonson had been kind enough to give Henry rides to school for the next few weeks, even if she didn't know why. _

_The idea of carpooling with Hally seemed to excite Henry, and he rushed upstairs to tell JJ goodbye._

_When he returned a few moments later, he appeared to be a little upset. "Mommy was in the bathroom washing her hands," He complained, "And she wouldn't answer me when I knocked on da door." This surprised Will. He had left a little more than thirty minutes ago, so it made no sense that the sink would still be running. He didn't want to worry Henry though. _

_"She probably just couldn't hear you over the water," Will assured him, "I'll tell her you said bye." Henry looked like he was about to protest, but a car horn honked outside._

_"That's your ride," Will said and handed him the brown bag on the counter with his lunch in it. Henry reached up and gave his father a quick hug before running to the front door and leaving. _

_Will waited until he heard the car drive off before he went back upstairs and into the bedroom. Sure enough, he could still hear the water running in their bathroom. He walked over to the door and knocked a few times. _

_"Jay," He said softly, "Are you alright?" _

_After waiting a few moments and still not getting a response, Will was flooded with worry all over again. _

_He turned the door knob, and when there was no resistance, he realized the door was unlocked. The door creaked as he opened it slowly, the possibilities of what he might find raced through his mind. _

_And there was JJ. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail, she was still wearing the sweatpants and over sized T-shirt she had worn to bed the night before. The water was on, but she didn't seem to notice or care. She was frozen, staring at herself in the mirror, with a hand brought up to her face. _

_Will took a few steps forward so he was standing directly behind her. When he first saw her the other day, the only thing he was focused on was the fact that she was alive, any injuries were pushed to the back of his mind. At the bar, Emily and Garcia had helped her cover everything up with makeup so no one would notice._

_He noticed now though. The right half of her face looked like someone had taken sickly shades of blue, purple, and yellow and painted it. There was a fairly large cut across her forehead. Somehow, the left side of her face seemed to be unharmed. _

_No matter what side of her face he looked at though, she still seemed beautiful to him. As cliché as it sounds, it was the truth. The bastards could have burnt her face and he would have still seen her as the way he always had. _

_He reached around her to turn the water off, and moved so he was standing beside her. He was unsure of what to do, so he gently turned her so that she was facing him, but it was like she looked right through him and remained still._

_"Hey," Will said taking her hand and moving it away from her face, and instead clasping it between them. "Jay come on now, you should go back to bed." _

_The gesture seemed to lift her from whatever daze she was in. She looked around the room in confusion, and then her eyes darted toward the floor. _

_"Will...?" She mumbled quietly, "I don't know why-...I don't understand-..."_

_"It's okay," Will said trying to sound as comforting as he could. He placed a hand on her back and she stiffened at his touch, and he remembered what Hotch had told him right before he left the bar:_

_"She's going to be hard to communicate with for awhile. Certain things and actions are going to make her uncomfortable or scared. Even JJ is going to have issues coming to terms with what happened."_

_Will quickly removed his hand, and instead lightly touched her arm, which didn't seem to bother her as much. He guided her out of the bathroom and back to the bed. She layed down so that the bruised part of her face was on the pillow, which couldn't have been comfortable, but she didn't want anyone to see her face like that. She was still tightly grasping his hand._

_"You're-I mean could you stay," She asked quietly, her voice barely above a whisper._

_"Of course, darlin" Will answered smiling. He sat down beside her, and watched as she closed her eyes and fell asleep. For the next few hours he just sat there. Occasionally he would read a book that was on the nightstand, but for the most part he just watched her. He didn't dare move, because he thought that as soon as he left she would wake up. _

_At some point, she started mumbling something that he couldn't make out. But soon it became blood curtailing screams._

_"No! Stop!" She shrieked and began to toss and turn, and kick at nothing. _

_"JJ!" Will shouted lightly shaking her shoulders, "JJ wake up!"_

_JJ shot up right and absent mindly grabbed Wills arm, and practically dug her fingernails into it. Her eyes darted around the room like a frightened animal, until her gaze met Will's, who was doing his best to stay calm. She put her forehead on his shoulder and started to cry. Will kissed her temple in an effort to try to comfort her, but it just made her cringe and pull away from him._

_"Sorry," Will apologized. _

_JJ just shook her head and brought her knees to her chest and placed her chin between them. _

_"Don't be."_

_The same thing happened for the next week. It became a daily routine for Will, not that it was a chore. He had no problem taking care of JJ. JJ would always perk up a bit when Henry came home. She would get out of bed and go downstairs, eat dinner. But she never spent to much time with him, she was afraid of breaking down in front of him. _

_During the second week, as her bruises began to heal, so did some of her psychological. Touch didn't seem to bother her anymore, but she continued to flashback to what happened and have nightmares. There would be times where she had to get up and leave a room because she didn't want Henry to see her cry. _

_But she was getting better. _

_That's what was important._

_One night JJ had fallen asleep on the couch while the two of them were watching a movie. She had her head on his chest and both of her hands lightly clutched the fabric of his T-shirt. Will kept one arm wrapped protectively around her shoulder._

_Suddenly, she shot up, like she'd been startled. Will assumed she had another nightmare, about Askari or Hastings, and immediately sprang into action. _

_"JJ its okay, it was just another nightmare," Will assured her, and lightly placed a hand on her cheek. She grabbed his hand and just clutched it and stared up at him, her eyes mixed with fear, saddness,...and guilt._

_"Will there is something I've wanted to tell you for a long time,"JJ said and sighed. She pauses for a moment before continuing "When-when I was in Afghanistan, I was pregnant. I don't want to get into specifics, not yet, but I miscarried. I miscarried Will and it's all my fault, I killed our baby." _

_JJ dropped Will's hand and looked down. She didn't dare meet his eyes because she was scared that all she would see was disappointment and anger. _

_"JJ," was all Will said and he tried to get her to look at him but she just pulled away. _

_"I'm sorry," She said, ashamed. She bit her lip because the last thing she wanted to do was start crying. _

_Will just pulled her into a hug and let her rest her head on his shoulder. _

_"It's okay," He whispered into her hair. And he meant it. He didn't blame her. How could he?_

_After all, he was the one who'd let her do that awful job in the first place. _

Present Day

"Jennifer Jareau," A brunette doctor holding a clipboard said. Will and JJ's entire team stood up the moment she said it. They'd all waited hours for any news about JJ, and they all refused to wait a second more.

"I'm sorry," The doctor said amused, "I meant the family of Ms. Jareau."

Nobody sat down.

The doctor frowned and then sighed before turning over one of the papers on her clipboard and searching for something. "Okay, just William Lamontagne Jr."

Derek muttered something under his breath before sitting down, and the rest of the team followed. Will handed a sleeping Henry off to Blake and Reid before walking up to the doctor. The doctor led him to a hallway, as if it was somehow important that nobody else heard what she was going to tell him.

"I apologize for the discretion," the doctor said, her tone flat and her eyes buried in her clipboard. "But what I have to tell you is a bit to personal for her _friends_ to hear."

"They're not her friends," Will corrected her because it's what JJ would've done. "They're her family."

She just rolled her eyes, "Ms Jareau-"

"Mrs," Will corrected her this time for his benefit. Just because she kept her last name doesn't make her any less married.

"Okay, Mrs. Jareau, would probably appreciate it if this information was kept private," the doctor said and scowled at him.

"How is she? I want to see her," Will insisted.

The doctor just tapped her foot impatiently, like she just wanted to get through one sentence without an interruption.

"Ms...I mean 's condition is relatively stable," She said and then kept talking before Will could ask what she meant by relatively. "The bullet hit an artery but most likely she will be fine. She also suffered from a small skull fracture when she fell and hit a rock. It was just a closed fracture, nothing to serious as far as we can tell but we are checking for any possible brain damage just to be safe. As a result she's been drifting in and out of consciousness, and is experiencing the normal symptoms, nausea, blurred vision, and confusion."

"I want to see her," Will demanded. "Where is she?"

"Mr. Lamontagne I am not finished," The doctor said unfazed, "According to the surgeons, and your wife, she was two months pregnant."

Will was dumbstruck, the same thought was running through his head over and over again. _Not again, please not again._

_"_What are you saying," Will stammered.

"I'm sorry sir, but due to the severity of your wife's injury, and the fact that the surgeons weren't aware of the pregnancy beforehand..." She paused. For the first time since they started talking she looked up from her clipboard, and Will finally understood why she hadn't been able to meet his eyes.

"I'm afraid the baby didn't make it."

Okay before you all start to hate me let me tell you what I originally had planned. First of all JJ was going to be in a coma, and she was going to die. But I didn't do that for two reasons 1.) I didn't know enough medically stuff to explain it 2.) It seemed like a bit to much to put y'all through. Anyway please review, and ily all.


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